Dentists Brace for Busy NHL Season

By Tatum Price

It’s time to get your teeth checked, America.

Between trick-or-treaters walking around with cavities, moms whitening their teeth after drinking red wine to cope with the election, or the start of the 2024-2205 NHL season, dentists nationwide are reportedly “slammed,” sources tell End of the Bench.

“We’re always rooting for an easy fix, never a root canal,” said Buffalo Sabres' head of dentistry, Dr. Saber-Toothed, about working with hockey players. “Most locker rooms include a customized dentist chair, with the comfort of a business class seat. We want them to feel relaxed while their mouth is profusely bleeding.”

While working with professional athletes may seem glamorous, it can also be the difference between life and death. One of the first serious injuries of the season happened to St. Louis Blues’ forward Dylan Holloway, who was forced to leave last week’s game against the Tampa Bay Lightning on a stretcher after being struck in the neck by a puck.

“I examined him and determined very quickly that I was not medically qualified to perform the proper examination needed,” Blues’ dentist, Dr. Blue Tuth, said in a statement. “Another day in the life of being a professional dentist, I suppose.”

According to Tuth, hockey dentistry is a job that can make “a lifetime of difference,”, especially for players who hold off replacing their teeth until after their career, which is where dental flippers, prosthetic retainers with fake teeth, become “a great financial filling.”

“Flippers are my favorite to design because some hockey players need various teeth in different places, while others need a matching central incisor. If the player is missing his four front teeth, we give them what’s called ‘The Bobby Clarke Special.’”

Tuth said the increase in dental work also “comes with the holidays,” a statement echoed by the wives of NHL players around the league.

“All I want for Christmas are his two front teeth,” said the wife of a Florida Panther. “I don’t have the energy to Photoshop this year’s Christmas card.”

Wives of the Los Angeles Kings have even started insisting their husbands wear crowns, with some even gifting veneers. 

“We know these women are in love with the man behind the smile, but we also know that when they smile, they look like meth heads, so we want to help fill in the gap,” said Denver’s team dentist, Dr. Nugget. “I once saw a fiance refuse to walk down the aisle for a player wearing dentures, so they held off the wedding till retirement. Now their love is permanent, just like his dental implants.”

As the season wears on, dentists like Nugget are bracing themselves for the inevitable flurry of fractured teeth and emergency repairs. 

“Hockey may be Canada’s game, but it’s our bread and butter,” Nugget remarked, glancing at his calendar, already filled with appointments for chipped incisors and shattered molars.

With the holidays approaching, he added, “We’re the real unsung heroes of the season. While fans cheer on the ice, we’re here picking up the pieces — literally. It’s just another day at the office.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we make a dentist appointment.

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