Daryl Hall To Replace John Oates With Gritty

By Dan Bookbinder

PHILADELPHIA – Following the filing of a restraining order against John Oates, Hall & Oates singer Daryl Hall announced he will replace his longtime music partner with beloved Flyers mascot, Gritty.

According to court documents, the temporary restraining order prohibits Oates from selling his shares in their joint venture, Whole Oats Enterprises. This legal conflict led Hall to seek a replacement for his long-time bandmate.

“After the recent legal issues, it’s become clear Hall & Oates can’t co-exist,” Hall said at a press conference at the Wawa at 6th and Chestnut. “But I’m not going to stop making music. We [Hall & Oates] were a Philly institution, so I didn’t have to look far before finding a new, and I’ll say better, replacement.”

Hall then introduced Gritty to cheers and applause from the crowd.

“SQWPCJAASDISQW!!!” yelled in his native language to fans as he took the stage. “AQPEKDJEFASDOQWJ!!! Finally, I want to thank my friends and family for their support over the years. I am just so grateful for this opportunity.”

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The duo then played a medley of hits with Hall on guitar and vocals, and Gritty dancing and squeaking his belly button.

The public’s response to the line-up change has been largely positive.

“Fans were disappointed when all the legal drama started to come out, but like me, they just want the music to continue,” said 98.1 WOGL DJ Harvey Holiday. “In some ways, they are a much better match, since there is a physical resemblance, especially in the hair.”

Reports on Oates’ future vary, and representatives declined to comment on rumors that the Phillie Phanatic has turned down an offer to start a new group.

End of the Bench will have more as soon as the Maneater is finished.

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