Dan Snyder Agrees to Testify in Front of Every Bossy Broad in Congress

By Devin Wallace

WASHINGTON, D.C. - Commanders owner Dan Snyder has agreed in principle to testify in front of “every big, bossy broad on Capitol Hill,” following a congressional committee’s investigation on whether Snyder enabled a toxic work environment and promoted a culture of rampant sexual harassment. 

“Those dollfaces can read me like an open book,” said Snyder in a press conference Monday, referring to dozens of impeccably credentialed U.S. Congresswomen. “I’ll tell each one of those smokin’ D.C. 10’s there isn’t one ounce of sexism in our organization. I’ll look ‘em in their deep blue eyes, maybe put a confident, reassuring hand on their supple backs, and let them know Dan the Man would never mistreat a good-looking gal.”

Commanders Public Relations Director Scott Jacobs attempted to issue a follow-up statement about the allegations but was interrupted by a Snyder, who barged back in a half-open velvet robe.

“I have nothing to hide from an absolute smoke show,” said Snyder, as he liked years-old beach photos of women he followed on Instagram. “We are a perfect organization: no harassment, no abuse, and absolutely no uglies.”

Commanders players were seen at the press conference but remained quiet on the allegations, mostly because they could not be heard over Snyder shouting that the locker room was a safe place for women and that they should bring every woman they can find into the locker room to prove it’s a great, safe environment.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.