Dan Hurley Turns Down Lakers’ Offer of Sitting in LA Traffic

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By Clay Beyersdorfer

LOS ANGELES, CA— In a stunning turn of events, University of Connecticut head men’s basketball coach Dan Hurley has declined the Los Angeles Lakers' lucrative offer to become their new head coach, citing his refusal to endure sitting in Los Angeles traffic.

"Sure, coaching the Lakers would have been a great career move, but have you seen the traffic here?" Hurley quipped from a cell phone while sitting on the 405. "How do people fucking live like this? It’s a nightmare.”

Sources close to Hurley revealed that the coach's decision came after the three-hour drive from Los Angeles International Airport to the Lakers' training facility for the initial interview. 

"He texted me ‘Ready to kill everybody in the car right now. I’ve already thought it through and know how to get away with it. Call 911 LOLZ’ and that’s exactly when I knew he wouldn’t be their guy,” the source added.

Hurley's rejection has left the Lakers' front office scrambling for explanations. 

"We offered him everything," said Lakers General Manager Rob Pelinka. "A fat paycheck, a beachfront mansion, a lifetime supply of In-N-Out. What more could a guy want?"

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Lakers superstar LeBron James was brief when asked about Hurley’s decision Monday. 

"I think Dan is a great guy but his coaching would have put a damper on my ability to coach the team this upcoming season," said the perennial All-Star. “Plus, he scares me a little.”

Back in Connecticut, Hurley’s decision to return and chase a record third straight national championship was met with overwhelming support. UCONN fans were relieved, with many expressing joy on social media. 

“Fuck Villanova!!!” said one fan on X, formerly Twitter.

Reflecting on his choice, Hurley remained unapologetic. 

"I love basketball and was grateful for the opportunity, but I value my sanity more. I’m a coach, not a masochist," he said of LA traffic. "Why anybody would willingly subject themselves to that kind of daily hellscape is beyond my comprehension.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get out of traffic.