Dallas Cowboys Sign Charlie Brown as New Kicker

By Dave Henry

After Brett Maher’s disastrous performance in Monday night’s playoff game against the Tampa Bay Buccaneers where he missed four extra points, the Cowboys signed a new kicker Tuesday, Charles “Charlie” Brown.

“Charlie Brown’s a blockhead, but he’s better than Brett Maher,” said kicking coach and lauded psychiatrist, Lucy Van Pelt. “I’ve worked with both, so I would know.”

Van Pelt had indeed been working out with Maher in the preseason but was fired after she kept lifting the ball up just as Maher went to kick it.

“I’d go flying through the air, end over end, and land on my back with a really cool sounding sound effect,” said Maher when asked about the coaching change in an interview earlier this season. “But honestly, it hurt like hell. I couldn’t work with her anymore.”

Van Pelt said her “take-away-the-ball” drill is an exercise she uses to get her kickers “mentally ready for anything, in any situation, including an NFL playoff game.”

“Brett CLEARLY doesn’t have what it takes to perform in prime time, but Charlie will,” said Van Pelt, who charges five cents per kicking session.

Brown, who last played for a team called “The Peanuts,” is widely known for his unique kicking style, which involves lining up 100 feet behind the ball to get a running start, before attempting each kick.

A “key advantage” to his kicking style, Brown claims, is that his foot is slightly deformed, in that the back of his foot protrudes well behind his ankle, almost forming a T-shape off of his leg. 

The deformity also allows him to wear specially made shoes called the “Nike Hush Puppies,” which also give him great traction.

Where Brown exceeds in ingenuity and athleticism, he lacks in confidence, however.

End of the Bench managed to acquire various scouting reports from over the years and confirmed that all of them show a literal black cloud hanging over his head. 

When asked for a comment, Brown was downright Belichickian in his dour tone.

“Good grief, you’re right we’re [Cowboys] doomed. I’ll never kick the football through the uprights,” said Brown. “Don’t they have someone else?”

Despite the self-deprecation, the Cowboys still believe Brown gives them a better chance to win than Maher does.

“I will do anything for a Super Bowl, even if it means signing fictional cartoon characters, I want that ring,” Cowboys owner Jerry Jones said. “We’ll have to see what this kid is made of.”

Jones and the rest of the world won’t have to wait long, as Dallas heads to San Francisco for the Divisional Round playoffs on Sunday.