Crazed Man Pays $300 to Run 26 Miles

WASHINGTON — After a disheartening rabies diagnosis, avid runner and certified psychopath Mitch McDaniels has made his craziest move yet—volunteering to run 26 miles for no reason whatsoever. 

The software engineer plans to pay for the “race” out of pocket, flushing $300 and his Saturday afternoon down the drain for a non-charitable event that will most likely end in him projectile vomiting at the finish line.

Leading psychiatrists claim they’re not surprised by this behavior, given that D.C. reportedly has the highest concentration of psychopaths.

“It’s a real circus over there,” an anonymous psychiatrist stated when reached for comment. “This guy makes people in Congress look like Einstein.”

After the decision, McDaniels’ friends and family have spoken out, urging the madman to seek help immediately and get his financial priorities in order.

“Everyone’s finances are their own business,” said Mitch’s roommate, Spencer Longfellow. “But our fridge went out last night, and the apartment smells like a garbage compactor. Ever since he [Mitch] got attacked by that raccoon, he’s completely lost his marbles. Last week, he told me that he would spend $1,000 to run, swim, and ride a bicycle after this race. Something called an ‘Ironman.’ Who does this guy think he is?”

Mitch’s father also voiced many concerns, mostly wondering what the money was even for.

“It sounds like a pyramid scheme if you ask me,” said Mitch’s dad. “Back in my day, running was free. You could run as long as you wanted. But with all this inflation, you’ve got crazy people paying to go jog. Some to even just walk! What has the world come to?”

After receiving much backlash for taking advantage of mentally unstable runners, the town Mayor clarified once and for where the money was going.

“We want to assure everyone that while your money isn’t funding a legitimate cause, we need it to cover the endless supply of chocolate milk for runners at the finish line, conveniently positioned next to an insane asylum.”

The Mayor described how what was once considered a treat for children now helps you recover from the most taxing athletic endeavor.

“You see, after running 26 miles, you all will be on the brink of death and desperately need sugar and carbs to prevent yourselves from collapsing. So, this is really for your safety. And what sounds better after several hours of running than a milk bottle, am I right? Forget water or electrolytes, for that matter.”

End of the Bench caught up with McDaniels on his morning training run to gain more insight into why he felt the need to spend so much doing something he was doing for free.

“I’ve been gearing up for this for about a year now,” said a feral McDaniels, foaming at the mouth and running on all fours. “Sure, I could’ve spent my money on things like a new refrigerator or last month’s rent. But how would that push me to see what I’m made of? I’d much rather spend $300 for a race two times the length of Manhattan that will likely make me never want to run again.”

The interview was cut short when an unmarked van skirted to a halt, and three men in lab coats grabbed McDaniels, strapping him onto a gurney.

The rabid runner screamed, “I’m not crazy, I swear!” before being injected with a sedative. To this day, no one knows his whereabouts.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we finish this glass of chocolate milk.

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