Cornhole Winner Still Loser

By Devin Wallace

DECATUR, Ill. - Even after Ronald Limpski notched several victories at the 2024 Official Limpski Family Cookout, it became unquestionably clear to all present that the cornhole winner was still an absolute loser.

The unemployed 31-year-old held court over the wooden backyard bean-bag game, racking up wins against competition like his two younger cousins and his aunt on her third strawberry margarita.

“This was probably my best afternoon, from a technical standpoint,” said Limpski as he spilled baked beans on his cargo shorts. “I overcame the heat, some sweat in my eye, and a bunch of freakin’ bees who wanted a taste of my Yoo-Hoo. A lot of people said I couldn’t do it. Many people like my Mom said I needed to talk to my weird uncles, but that didn’t stop me from crushing my rivals.”

Limpski spent the rest of the afternoon giving an impromptu victory speech to whichever unfortunate family members accidentally made eye contact with him at the beer cooler.

Eric Limpski said his cousin was eager to demonstrate how much he knew about professional cornhole players, which Eric was surprised to learn is a good thing.

“He kept comparing himself to other cornhole players. Am I supposed to know who McNoot is, or what he did at the quarterfinals in ‘21?” said Eric as he hid in his sedan. “He said with a little practice I could be just like Chuck Buck, but I’d probably never be as good as Garth Shattle or Alf Nibs. I asked if he wanted help finding a job, and he said Garth Shattle doesn’t have a job. Seems bad!”

The cornhole champion and banned user of a half-dozen forums celebrated his victories by shotgunning a lukewarm Diet Pepsi, tripping over a bocce ball, and throwing up behind a hedge. 

When asked if he was crying, Limpski asked if Cleve Guster was crying when he ran the table at Dayon Regionals, before tripping over yet another bocce ball.

Sources tell End of the Bench that after composing himself in his mother’s car and changing his shorts in what he described as an “unrelated incident,” Limpski returned to his confidant, Cool Ranch Dorito-stained self.

“Nobody here can handle my stuff,” said Limpski. “It may be time to seek out other families and better competition.”

At the time of publication, not a single member of the Limpski family was prepared to stop him.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we finish our baked beans.

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