College Students Injure Themselves Storming Ice Rink

By William Vaillancourt

Dozens of undergraduate students who attended college hockey games across the country Wednesday and then rushed onto the ice to celebrate their team’s upset wins suffered self-inflicted injuries, sources tell End of the Bench.

Five university presidents released a statement early Thursday morning, confirming the injuries.

“While our victories over top 10 teams are indeed worth celebrating, it pains us to have to say that storming the rink is not the appropriate manner of doing so,” they said. “It is unfortunate that attention is now not on the results of our games and the performance of our players, but on those members of our respective student bodies who seemed to forget that ice is very slippery. Also, we fear that the negative publicity of our students falling, getting up, and immediately falling again—all while yelling dopily—will substantially curtail next year’s applicant pools.”

Yet the vast majority of those who left their seats don’t regret it, they told End of the Bench from their hospital beds.

“Hell no, no way. It was awesome,” said Steve Gill, a freshman at Middle New Jersey State Technical College. “Yeah, I broke my shoulder, but my school spirit is stronger than ever. Plus, a bunch of players signed my cast. So I’ll be good to go for next year, no doubt. Already looking forward to scaling the penalty box glass.” 

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While the NCAA could soon put a stop to the long-running ritual of storming courts and fields due to the potential for player injuries, president Charlie Baker indicated there are currently no plans for any such changes for hockey games.

“With rubber-soled fans being so disadvantaged and Bambi-like on the ice, the risk they pose to skaters is minimal,” Baker said Wednesday. “Besides, hockey players are well-equipped to defend themselves from being taken out at the knees by an onslaught of flailing communications majors. If they’re going to fight in the NHL, this shouldn't be a problem."

At press time, sporting goods stores in the nation’s college towns have reported a 900 percent sales bump in crampons.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we escape the storm.

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