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College Mascot Completely Dead on the Inside
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EASTERN STATE UNIVERSITY—Students and faculty were puzzled this weekend as Edgar the Eagle, the college's once-energetic mascot, stood motionless for the entire football game.
This raised suspicions that the oversized bird might be more than just an oversized cartoon character unable to express true emotion—he might actually be deceased.
“Honestly, it’s hard to tell if the guy inside the suit has just fully given up on life or if he's... you know, gone,” said junior Jason Matthews, gesturing toward the lifeless costume slumped over near the cheerleaders. “I mean, he hasn’t flapped those wings in three games. I don’t know if Edgar is emotionally crushed by the team's 0-3 record or if we’re cheering on a corpse.”
Despite Edgar's lack of movement, school officials dismissed concerns, citing his "strong commitment" to showing up regardless of circumstances.
“Edgar’s just tired—like, existentially tired. But he’s still there for the team,” said Coach Mike O'Hara. “He’s literally leaving his body on the field: I don’t know what more I could ask for as this program’s head football coach.”
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As Edgar’s eyes remained locked in a vacant stare, some students raised alarms, claiming the mascot’s condition had deteriorated noticeably over the past semester.
“I swear I saw him blink once in September, but now I’m not so sure,” said sophomore Lisa Kendall. “I waved right in front of his beak and... nothing. Is he dead, emotionally dead, or just a methodical performer? Who knows?”
Despite widespread speculation, university officials maintain that Edgar will be back for next week’s rivalry matchup against Western State University. Whether that's out of dedication or because nobody's checked inside the suit remains unclear.
“We’re confident Edgar’s fine,” said a spokesperson. “Probably.”
End of the Bench will have more on this story after we check on Edgar.
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