Coach’s Inspirational Speech Falls Flat After Unnecessary Reference to Epstein Island

By Joe Fernandez

SIOUX FALLS, Idaho—Following a 97-5 loss in the state championship game, high school football coach Glenn Donovan shouldered the blame for the lopsided defeat after giving what was described as an “uneven” and “disturbing” pre-game speech during which he invoked Epstein Island, the infamous sex trafficking center of the now deceased Jeffrey Epstein.

“I was just trying to fire up our guys. We were underdogs going in,” Donovan said when reached for comment. “Figured I had to really motivate them and it just, I dunno why I said Epstein Island, but for whatever reason, that’s what popped into my head.”

Witnesses said it started off normal enough with sayings like “No one may believe in you, but I do” and “We’re gonna shock the world tonight!”

Sources inside the locker room tell End of the Bench that’s when the miscue happened.

“He said, ‘We’re gonna blow them away! We’re gonna blow them all the way to Epstein Island!’ That’s when it went downhill.” the source added. 

At that point, a confused hush fell over the locker room, and Donovan tried to recapture the energy he’d conjured up earlier. Still, the speech “just got more awkward” and was full of strange references, followed by unprompted, unnecessary mentions of Epstein Island.

“They wanna come into the dog house? Well, flip a flapjack pal, you’re goin’ to Epstein Island!” Donavon is reported as saying.

Speaking on condition of anonymity, an assistant coach said, “Referencing Epstein Island in any kind of sports setting is weird. It’s especially unsettling at the high school level.”

After several attempts at inspiration with inexplicable allusions to the now-deceased hedge fund sex trafficker, a player raised his hand and asked the coach if he knew what Epstein Island actually was. 

“Yeah, I know what Epstein Island is,” Coach Donovan reiterated at an impromptu post-game school board meeting put on at the request of the parents. “I just, ya know, I don’t wanna say send ‘em to hell. That seems a bit much. And I hadn’t written anything out, and the first bad place that came to mind was, ya know…I mean, it’s not like…I’m not wrong. You don’t wanna go to Epstein Island.”

Coach Donovan has been placed on administrative leave for the rest of the season.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we work on our speech.

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