Cleveland Haunted House Just Clips From Browns Games

By Devin Wallace

CLEVELAND—Trick-or-treaters in the Cleveland area are experiencing sheer terror at a local haunted house that exclusively shows clips from Browns games.

The run-down Victorian manor, known as “The Dog House,” decorated with spine-chilling artifacts like DeShone Kizer jerseys, promised visitors a fate worse than death, which guests experienced from the first moment they saw a flickering television playing the Browns 48-0 loss to the Jaguars in 2000.

Horror aficionado Blake Jensen, who only made it halfway through the “Brady Quinn Basement,” says no Halloween will ever be as frightening unless the NFL schedules the Browns to play on October 31st.

“Every inch of the haunted house was like a nightmare if nightmares actually happened every single year for the last twenty-four years,” said Jensen, calming himself down by watching something happier, The Texas Chainsaw Massacre. “You think it’s over when they show clips of Peyton Hillis from 2010, but I screamed bloody murder when they flashed clips of Peyton Hillis from 2011.”

Some rooms offer specific themes, like the ghosts of Browns' past, including The Drive and The Fumble, while others show horrific images of the Walking Dead, most notably every pass attempt by Deshaun Watson.

The Dog House even offers a Virtual Reality room, allowing attendees to see games through the eyes of Browns players who have already given up on yet another doomed season.

Owner Kelly Weeks said they spared no expense in bringing the dread and despair of Browns fandom to the ghoulish attraction.

“We thought we could set up four or five TVs with Browns games, and that should be enough to shock even the toughest folks. But it was hard to choose between all the hideous and gruesome games over the years,” Weeks said. “We kept adding them and adding them, which is why our’s is the only seventeen-hour Haunted House in America. Every year, there’s so much new material; it gets bigger and bigger.”

The longtime horror proprietor already has some tricks for next Halloween.

“Next year, we’re offering the ultimate immersive experience. Haunted House attendees will receive a ticket to a Browns game and - sorry, I think I’m going to be sick - have to watch all four quarters in person,” she added. “We had to get special clearance from the authorities; apparently, watching a full Browns game is a health risk.”

Potential attendees in the Cleveland area are recommended not to eat for up to 12 hours before visiting, to bring a comfort item like a 2025 NFL Mock Draft, and to quickly cross state lines and start rooting for the Buffalo Bills.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we check for Browns players under our bed.

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