Christian McCaffrey Has Mail Permanently Forwarded to Injured Reserve List

By Mike Range

SAN FRANCISCO—With a knee injury taking him out of commission shortly after returning from a nine-week absence to start the season, 49ers star running back Christian McCaffrey faced reality and notified teammates and fans Monday that all future mail should be addressed to Christian McCaffery ℅ The NFL Injured Reserve List.

Having missed an average of nearly eight games per season the past five years, last year’s rushing leader decided that Injured Reserve is not so much interim housing as it is a second home.

“I told myself that this year’s early-season stay on IR was temporary—an ‘IR-bnb’ kind of thing. But after only three games back on the field, here I am, so I guess I may as well settle in, put up a Christmas tree, and have my mail sent here.”

McCaffrey made the announcement anticipating a fair number of morale-raising holidays and get-well cards. Still, the majority of the correspondence filling his NFL-shield-shaped mailbox so far has been from disappointed fantasy football managers.

“Hallmark has something for every occasion, I guess,” McCaffrey said, showing off his fifteen copies of a card reading ‘You may hear “Merry Christmas” from ol’ Saint Nick… But it’s “Bah Humbug” from me—you ruined my first pick.’”

The team was reportedly “less than enthused” with the holiday gesture.

“I get it,” he added. “None of us are getting the comeback we hoped for. We’ll just have to get through this trying time the best we can - by remembering that Injured Reserve Estates is a nice, quiet place to live where I’ll still be collecting my multi-million-dollar salary, and them, hopefully getting therapy and realizing their entire self-worth shouldn’t rely on me not tweaking a ligament.”

NFL Commissioner and Injured Reserve Estates Homeowners Association president Roger Goodell hopes that McCaffrey will comport himself off the field as well as he has on.

“Christian has always been an exemplary player, and I’m confident he will be an upstanding member of the IR neighborhood,” Goodell said. “It takes some guys a little time to get used to the IRHOA rules—houses having to be painted in team colors, keeping your front yard goalposts free of nests and bird poop, making sure agents are kept on a leash—but Christian will be fine, it’s not his first rodeo.”

While filling out his change-of-address card, the former NFL Offensive Player of the Year denied that he would also be legally changing his last name to McCaff-IR-y.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we get our mail.

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