CDC Declares Fantasy Football a Pandemic

By Andrew Rodwin

COVID-19 cases are on the rise as the country heads into the fall season, but the primary concern may be a new variant of a virus that will impact every part of the country - fantasy football, referred to in academic communities as “fantasy” or “FF.”

"The situation is dire," warns Dr. Otto Matt Ickfurst, head of the CDC's Stats Nerd Infections department. "To put it in sports terms, imagine we're in the final two minutes of a game, down by three touchdowns. And you’ve got Carson Wentz as your quarterback. We’re simply just not taking this situation seriously."

According to the CDC, FF has officially reached pandemic status, with projections indicating that the 2023 NFL season will experience the most severe outbreak since Grandstand Sports Services first contracted the virus in 1985. 

With renowned scientist and former CDC director Dr. Anthony Fauci retired and unable to lead the charge against infectious diseases, the responsibility falls into what sources tell EOTB are “less than capable hands” - National Football League commissioner Roger Goodell.

Goodell addressed the media about FF for the first time Wednesday morning.

"We’re seeing an uptick in cases as the season draws nearer, but the Dynasty variant is spreading most rapidly," warned Goodell. "If you contract this variant, you're looking at a decade or two of weekend stress, drafting fleeting talents whose careers last mere moments, and being relegated to warmed over buffalo chicken dip every Sunday night until the fever breaks in the Spring. Essentially, you'll be as functional as the Houston Texans."

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Another troubling strain Goodell says is IDP (Individual Defensive Parasite), which impacts both the offensive and defensive parts of the brain. 

End of the Bench managed to speak with Dr. I. Singh-Kicker, a senior CDC epidemiologist, about the variant and the impact it could have on the country moving forward.

"In earlier versions of fantasy football, victims—commonly referred to as 'owners' due to the grandiose delusions FF induces—often experienced periods of respite when their offensive players left the field,” Singh-Kicker said. “This break allowed essential organs to operate and created an opportunity for spouses to convey urgent messages like, 'the basement is on fire.'"

Singh-Kicker elaborated on the physical symptoms FF can have on the human body.

"Subjected to a constant barrage of trick plays, missed field goals, and interceptions, these owners will experience hormone fluctuations roughly every 42 seconds for a full nine hours every Sunday,” he added. “As a result, we anticipate their cognitive abilities will plummet to the level of simpler mollusks—think oysters, not snails—by the time the Wild Card weekend rolls around."

The CDC has warned that if you find yourself obsessively checking Joe Burrow's MRI results, confusing your partner's wish for a kitchen renovation with draft strategies, or arguing that Alvin Kamara deserves a Medal of Freedom, you likely have a case of FF and to quarantine yourself and seek medical attention immediately.

To mitigate the spread, steer clear of r/fantasyfootball and office conversations, whether in-person or via Zoom.

While no known cure exists, some scientists have maintained that an injection of Fantasy Hockey has proven to combat FF symptoms, but so far has proven fatal for most subjects before the syringe could even be emptied.

End of the Bench will have more as this story develops.

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