Budget Cuts Force Triple-A Team to Practice in Active Minefield

By James Knapp

WEST LAWN, Penn. - In the wake of recent financial troubles, Triple-A baseball team the West Lawn Werewolves were reduced to holding practice in a 14% deactivated landmine field, sources whose hands are tied here confirmed.

“It’s just a lot harder to get people to come out to the ballpark these days. And until we can figure out a way to increase revenue, I’m afraid our players are just gonna have to learn how to serpentine,” explained Werewolves owner Bernie Friel. “Obviously, player safety is still of utmost concern - especially now since we’re also gonna be cutting health benefits. Hey, times are tough. If these guys want to stay in the league, then maybe they'll finally understand the importance of picking up those grounders.”

Among other players, Werewolves center fielder Graham Oshberg expressed apprehension about running fielding drills in an area that the Vietnam-era U.S. government declined to acknowledge even existed.

“Look, I love this team - but, well, let’s just say up until a few days ago I was the backup center fielder,” bemoaned Oshberg while attempting to weld iron plates onto the bottom of his cleats. “I really don’t see how things got this bad. Even compared to our last practice field, which was just a big empty pit next to the old tallow refinery, I have no idea how things could possibly be worse.”

At press time, Werewolves management directed that any player who located an active landmine should immediately try to retrieve it to be resold for parts and scrap.