Brooklyn Nets to Change Name to Brooklyn Bricks in Honor of Recently Acquired Ben Simmons

By Elliott Baas

BROOKLYN, NY—Brooklyn is all in on Ben Simmons, as the team announced today that they’d be changing their name from the Brooklyn Nets to the Brooklyn Bricks in honor of their new star player.

“A name like ‘Nets’ evokes thoughts of a swish or a shot that’s ‘Nothing but net’, and we wanted a name more commensurate with the skillset of our team,” Brooklyn team owner Joseph C. Tsai told reporters.

The move comes just about two weeks after Brooklyn acquired Simmons in a trade from Philadelphia, and the club hopes the change will help ingratiate the notoriously sensitive Simmons to his new city and franchise.

Simmons, who has yet to suit up for his new squad, seems likely to appreciate the gesture, as he’s spent the last few postseasons building a schoolhouse with the number of bricks he’d piled up. When pressed for comment, Simmons told reporters, “It beats playing in Embiid’s shadow.”

Brooklyn has also unveiled a new mascot along with the name change, Mason the Bricklayer, a burly, hard hat-wearing man whose stunts include eating a pail lunch from the rafters, bending over so his ass crack pokes out, and firing a “brick cannon” into the crowd, sending team-branded bricks, stones, and cinder blocks flying throughout the arena.

According to one reporter, the team also considered renaming themselves the Brooklyn Shots, but feared point guard Kyrie Irving would refuse to play or wear a uniform for a team bearing that name.