Brian Kelly Rumored to be Exploring New Accents

By Rich Taylor

BATON ROUGE - In the wake of a stunning week one upset, reports have surfaced that LSU head coach Brian Kelly has been observed studying several regional accents. 

The Boston-born Kelly, who famously appeared to have adopted overnight a southern accent when first introduced as the Tigers head coach two years ago, is said to be feeling the heat after an embarrassing 21-point prime-time loss to Florida State earlier this week.

“Oh, something is definitely up,” said a source affiliated with LSU’s athletic department. “After Duke crushed Clemson, Coach Kelly ran around telling everyone that Dabo Sweeney could lose alumni support there. Next thing I know, he is walking around the facility imitating characters from The Righteous Gemstones and singing Cajun songs from that old kids’ show Gullah Gullah Island.”

A longtime LSU booster believes that Kelly, who is at his fifth college coaching stop, is not limiting his research to South Carolina. 

“Everybody knows that Jimbo Fisher is on the hot seat at Texas A&M. So Coach Kelly has been watching old reruns of Dallas and Walker, Texas Ranger all off-season,” said the booster. “But after that FSU game, it seems like maybe he should be spending that time looking at game film though, y’know?”

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During a grueling midweek practice, Kelly had music piped loudly over the stadium sound system, purportedly to simulate crowd noise, although the choice of Hootie & the Blowfish, ZZ Top, and Willie Nelson did nothing to tamp down rumors of Kelly’s future plans.

When reached for a response to these reports, Kelly was dismissive. 

“Heck, I’m just a regular fella like most fans wearing my new Stetson, sipping a Lone Star, enjoying some boiled peanuts and Frogmore stew while enjoying the great sport of college football. How about those Baylor and TCU games by the way? Any word on how those upsets are going over? Just curious.”

Kelly refused to comment on rumors that an assistant encountered him watching #BamaRush videos on TikTok with “a wistful, tear-streaked expression on his face.”

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