Bizarre Manningcast Digresses Into Eli Talking About Cool Stuff He’s Found in the Woods Behind His House

By Mark Roebuck

HOBOKEN, N.J. — Monday night’s Manningcast, featuring brothers Eli and Peyton Manning providing commentary for the Bengals/Jaguars game, segued into a long and awkward diatribe wherein Eli kept going on about various things he’d found in the woods behind his home.

“You’ve seen my woods, right Payton?” Eli asked his brother, ignoring guest Patrick Wilson and all attempts to promote the upcoming Aquaman sequel he appears in. “I don’t think I told you, but I went deeper in there than ever before. All by myself, too! I found the biggest stick I’ve ever seen, but then I lost it, and then there were these crazy rocks. They were shiny, but then I threw them in the pond before I remembered that I wanted to keep them. Oh yeah, there’s a pond, too. Then when I was underwater trying to find the rocks that I liked, I found an old bucket! I was like ‘Forget the rocks,’ once I got my hands on that bucket.”

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After many attempts to steer the conversation back to the football game at hand, Peyton finally interjected with an observation about the turnover that had transpired during Eli’s story.

“Wow, that’s the kind of thing that can turn this whole game around,” said Payton, clearly trying to get Eli to stop talking about the woods behind his house. “I think if you pay attention to the defensive schemes Jacksonville’s putting out there, it’s an effective combination of blitzes and …hey Eli, where did you go?”

After a few moments of quiet, Eli appeared back in the frame, holding a stick.

“This isn’t the stick I was talking about!” he exclaimed. “But I wanted to show it to you, because it was like this, but bigger. This one is nice too, though. I said earlier it was the biggest stick I’ve ever seen, but I don’t know if that’s true. I’m sorry I lied to you guys. Patrick, what’s the biggest stick you’ve ever seen?”

“He’s gone, Eli,” Payton responded, as the game entered halftime. “Coming up in the third quarter, more Bengals/Jaguars action, a visit from Chad Ochocinco, and whatever the hell my brother decides to talk about. Eli, go wash your hands, okay?”

As of press time, Eli had made a disturbing offhand remark about a dead body he found in the woods, before proceeding to talk at length about a third stick he had found.

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we show you this cool stick.

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