Bill Belichick Revealed to Actually Be Three Bridge Trolls Stacked Up in a Trench coat

By James Knapp

BOSTON - Earlier today, New England Patriots head coach Bill Belichick was exposed as nothing more than a trio of fairy tale monsters who have spent years impersonating one unbelievably frumpy human man, sources who require you to answer their riddles before punting confirmed.

“We three be the ones who run this team. Who say you thee that we should have to hide or flee?” stated the trolls in a sort of eerie, sing-songy cadence. “Patriots here or patriots there. Who are you to fucking care? Six Superbowls we won for thee, so… just like fucking get off our backs already.”

Longtime fans reacted to the recent revelation with a mixture of abject horror and begrudging respect for the creatures formerly known as Bill Belichick.

“Those trolls are the scariest goddamn thing I have ever seen. I didn’t know there was anything more pants-shittingly frightening than Bill Belichick’s haunting glare, but well, there ya go,” explained longtime Patriots fan Cynthia Clark. “While I definitely don’t want the trolls anywhere near me, I still have to admire the way they play the game. At least now it makes sense why our defense got so much better after this franchise hired legendary bridge guardians as a coordinator.”

New England Patriots owner Robert Kraft revealed that he has long been aware that Mr. Belichick is truly an amalgam of mythical goblins.

“I had hoped this day would never come, but I suppose there’s no hiding it anymore,” bemoaned Kraft in a recent press conference. “Yes, I have known since the day [Belichick] was hired that he was actually three malevolent gremlins named Kruggy, Muggy, and Chonk. Now I guess there’s nothing left to do but move forward and draft a new kicker who is really good at riddles.”

At press time, former Patriots quarterback Tom Brady was also exposed to actually be a narcissistic dragon who sleeps atop a horde of looted treasures.