Atlanta Braves to Cancel All Off Days for 2024 Season

By Lauren Grimaldi

ATLANTA - Fresh off their NLDS loss to the Philadelphia Phillies, the Atlanta Braves are standing up to the unreasonably lax MLB schedule once and for all.

While some teams have advocated for more off days in the 162-game season, the Braves have announced they will not take a single day off in the 2024 season to combat the fatigue that comes with having some time away from the ballpark.

“I think we really spent too much time apart from each other if you ask me,” said manager Brian Snitker. “From here on out, we won’t take a single day off, even if it means we have to go play against a men’s beer league or some shit. We won’t let this happen to us again.”

The Braves decision comes as the baseball world grapples with the unspeakable tragedy of not having any 100-win teams remaining in the postseason.

“Top teams like us get punished in the postseason,” said catcher Travis d’Arnaud, who is strongly in favor of the change. “It makes no sense. We win more games, so we have to rest while the other team gets the luxury of playing a three-game series. How is that fair?”

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d’Arnaud added that no other sports league he can think of treats their top teams this way and said he may even consider recommending the team infiltrate a little league game in the future so everyone can stay fresh.

“Those little assholes won’t know what hit them,” he added. “Those tiny metal wire dugouts could be a sanctuary for players like us while we’re trying to go on a run. Maybe I’ll even go over to the snack stand and get a hot dog.”

End of the Bench Sports reached out to the Los Angeles Dodgers for comment to see if they’d be following the Braves’ lead but were told they hope to throw bags of money at Shohei Ohtani this offseason and see what happens instead.

At press time, Bryce Harper and the Phillie Phanatic were pictured taking a nice, leisurely nap together as the team prepares to take on the Arizona Diamondbacks in a few days. Here’s hoping all that rest won’t mess with the team’s pennant chase!

Editor’s Note: Following the publication of this story, the Atlanta Braves PR department demanded a retraction of both d’Arnaud and Snitker’s comments, arguing that they weren’t meant to be shared with the media. End of the Bench Sports stands by our reporting as the comments were made directly into our reporter’s microphone during a scheduled press conference.

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