Athletics Reach 10-Year, $70 Deal for Shohei Ohtani Cardboard Cutout

By Mike Range

OAKLAND, Cali.  —  The Oakland Athletics reached an agreement last night to obtain superstar Shohei Ohtani’s image on a cardboard cutout for seventy dollars, following intense negotiations at a local party supply store, End of the Bench has learned.

“We are excited to introduce a huge picture of Major League Baseball’s most coveted free agent as the newest addition to the Athletics franchise,” announced owner John Fisher. “We are optimistic that this will prove one of our smartest investments during our time in Oakland.”

The A’s acquired the rights to the half-inch thick, corrugated fiberboard likeness of the future Hall of Famer after a prolonged negotiating session with the clerk at the San Leandro Party City on East 14th Street.

“The double-sided Ohtani would normally command eighty dollars,” explained A’s General Manager David Forst, “but our scouts noticed a small smudge on the right elbow — most likely the result of a young, chocolate-bearing Shohei fan — so we got them down to seventy, which, as you know, is still a pretty extravagant expenditure for our organization.”

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The team justified the expense, however, as a way to have a little fun at the expense of Bay Area fans who continue to support the miserly club even as it prepares to flee for Las Vegas.

“Just imagine how momentous this could be for fans who, if they aren’t paying attention, or are already deep into their third sixteen-ounce beer as they take their seats, see ‘Shohei Ohtani’ propped up in front of the dugout. We think a single deluded moment of false optimism will make this acquisition worthwhile,” Fisher chuckled.

Asked what other role Ohtani’s silkscreened depiction on a 6’ x 4’ rectangle of cardboard would play in the team’s future, Fisher announced a weekly “Photo With Shohei Day” next season, where the fan in attendance will get the honor of posing with the enlarged photo of possibly the greatest player never to consider playing for their team.

As with all deals of this length, however, there is concern over how much value the team will get in the later stages of the contract.

“Will the Ohtani cardboard cutout still be in its prime in the 2030s? Probably not,” admitted Fisher. “You have to expect he’ll be caught out in the rain a few times and possibly stuffed in a locker or two by jealous players who think seventy dollars would have been better spent providing a noticeable bump in their contracts. That will wear on any cardboard cutout, whether he’s a future Hall of Famer or not.”

Asked if further off-season additions were possible, Fisher was non-commital, stating only that he’d heard interesting things about a garage sale and a Cody Bellinger bobblehead.

End of the Bench will have more as soon as we get done looking at cardboard cutouts

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