Athlete with IBS Odds-On Favorite to Take Gold in Race Walking

By Henry Loe

PARIS — With only days left to prepare for the mildly anticipated 20km Race Walk on August 1st, expert analysts claim three keys to taking home Gold in the Paris Olympics — self-determination, physical endurance, and a debilitating case of Irritable Bowel Syndrome.

Although Race Walking can be described as a sport suburban moms accomplish on their afternoon errand runs, the insertion of athletes with IBS has practically given the sport new life. 

Among the many athletes struggling to cope with their unpredictable GI Tract is newcomer and odds-on favorite, Steven Gilespie, who doctors claim has been constipated for over 10 days and is beginning to show signs of an imminent bowel movement worthy of a Gold medal in and of itself.

“Mr. Gilespie has an extreme case of IBS that makes walking extremely painful,” Gilespie’s doctor explained. “So, he walks as fast as he can to get from A to B — ‘A’ being ‘anywhere’ and ‘B’ being the ‘bathroom’.”

Gilespie’s coach, Al Monroe, called him a once-in-a-generation athlete in an exclusive interview with End of the Bench, even comparing him to athletes like Tiger Woods for his ability to make a borderline unwatchable sport a tad more exciting.

“When I look for talent, I don’t care about physique,” Monroe said. “All I’m concerned with is whether they have a burn in their gut to win, and by that I mean an inflamed colon.” 

Monroe described the first time he met the talented up-and-comer. 

“I first met him [Gilespie] while scouting new talent at a local taco shop known for giving customers the runs. As I clocked the speed of customers walking in and out of the bathroom, I was stunned when Gilespie zoomed by before I could even get my stopwatch out. He had all the makings of a world-class Race Walker — impeccable form paired with the ability to destroy a bathroom like you wouldn’t believe. The most incredible thing was that he hadn’t even ordered any tacos yet.”

Although calls have been made to ban racewalking completely, Olympic Committee President and IBS patient, Thomas Bach, reassured fans that the sport is here to stay.

“It takes a certain kind of crazy to compete in a race walk with IBS,” said the President during a speech he gave on the River Seine. “And these athletes are far from regular, and I’m not just talking about their inconsistent bowels. To walk 20km at just the right speed to avoid irritating the bowels is the peak of human athleticism in my opinion. Now if you’ll excuse me, I need to take a dump in this river.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we make it to the bathroom.

Related stories: