Another Young Talent Told To Lose 30 Pounds If He Wants to Make It In L.A.

By Devin Wallace

LOS ANGELES—After being traded from the Mavericks to the Lakers, five-time All-NBA guard Luka Doncic was given the same advice all doe-eyed young stars get when they move to LA: lose thirty pounds or no one will love you.

“Everyone was very clear about what it takes to survive in Los Angeles,” said Doncic during a celery and water lunch. “I thought it would be about mastering the pick-and-roll with LeBron or even handling the media after games, but every single person told me I better drop a few dozen pounds or they’ll laugh at me. Who is ‘they’?”

The former Mavericks star is just the latest Hollywood starlet to face criticism. 

“I’ve been playing in this city for half a decade, so I know how people talk,” said Doncic’s new teammate LeBron James, before asking if this new headband made his butt look big. “I try to tune out the noise, but you hear comments about your body from everyone: fans, coaches, the media. Yesterday, Mike Wilbon called me Jason Whitlock, and I’m pretty sure Doris Burke threw a Krispy Kreme donut at me during a timeout. I’m a four-time MVP, and the only thing I know for sure is…this headband definitely makes me look fat.”