Anderson Family Basketball Net Announces Retirement

CLEVELAND – The basketball net at 334 Hickory Road announced its upcoming retirement Tuesday, following a nine-year career in the Anderson family driveway.

The neighborhood staple, which has seen six-year-olds who could barely get a shot off grow into fifteen-year-olds who only shoot three-pointers that barely get to the rim, explained what prompted its choice.

“I still love the game, I do,” Net said when reached for comment. “Not that I’ll miss the youngest Anderson, Bradley,  testing his hops by jumping up and clutching my nether regions, but he’s mostly given me up for Fortnite anyway.”

Net said the decision to hang it up once and for all was “tough.”

“My best days are obviously behind me. I’m hanging on by only three loops, and I would have been replaced long ago if the Andersons weren’t so frugal, or if they had any desire to clear a path in the cluttered garage to get the ladder,” it added. “Every other net on the street is less than three years old. I’ve been dealing with the Northeast Ohio elements for nine years now. I think it’s my time.”

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While its tattered appearance certainly backed up its reasoning, Net hesitated, then finally admitted there were other factors behind his decision.

“Yes, as you are all wondering, the friction between Rim and I played a part in this. We relied on each other all these years, and he was a solid performer, but kind of flaky, as you can tell from where his orange paint has given way to rust,” Net said. “But without me, without my swish, or my nestling of the ball after a successful layup, the game’s aesthetic goes to shit. Hell, when it was just Rim, the players sometimes couldn’t tell if a three-pointer was a bullseye or an airball.”

As to when it would officially step down, the once-white assembly of nylon threads left its options open.

“I have not picked an exact date,” said Net. “Would I prefer to go out on a vicious slam dunk, or a cord-ripping three? Sure. But most likely it will be the next freeze/thaw cycle that makes me say Sayonara — it’s not so easy anymore to bounce back from icicles clinging to your dangly parts.”

The six-dollar sporting goods accessory did, however, leave open the chance to extend his run for a few extra months.

“If it’s a mild winter, I hope to hang on for a final March Madness, when Jerry Anderson might be home from college for spring break and put down his bong to come out and make a few shots. This assumes that Shirley — that damned sparrow in the pine tree behind me — doesn’t end my career first. I should be collecting rent for how much of me is in her nests.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story as soon as we cut down the nets.

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