An Interview with Matt Carpenter's Mustache

By Anthony Elia

Matt Carpenter, New York Yankees’ super-utility man, has been on a tear this season. He broke another Yankee record by hitting more home runs (13) through his first 30 games than any other Bronx Bomber, something Ruth, Gehrig, DiMaggio, Mantle, Jeter, and Judge have been able to accomplish what the 36-year-old have. The reason? Carpenter has something that none of the aforementioned players had - a grizzled veteran mustache. End of the Bench was able to catch up with the facial hair recently and conducted the following interview:

End of the Bench: What’s it feel like to be a member of such a storied franchise as the New York Yankees?

Carpenter’s Mustache: It’s pretty incredible if I’m being honest. I thought Matt was going to have to shave me when we originally signed, but I’m happy they support mustaches here.

EOTB: Who have you bonded with the most so far?

CM: Nestor Cortes 100%. Stache brothers have to stick together! We actually pranked Stanton yesterday and left a box of Just For Men at his locker. Have you seen that invisible minor league 'stache he’s been walking around with? That thing was called up to the majors a little too early.

EOTB: We heard you had an interesting idea to update Monument Park. Anything you can share?

CM: (chuckles) Yep, I think there should be some mustache monuments out there in center field. Reggie Jackson, Mr. October, had some iconic pinstripe moments. His 'stache should get some credit for the three home runs he hit in Game 6 of the World Series.

EOTB: Did you have any idols that you looked up to growing up?

CM: Oh yes, the obvious one that comes to mind is Don Mattingly. There’s Rollie Fingers, although he was a little arrogant, Catfish Hunter, Goose Gossage, Wade Boggs, and Keith Hernandez. The ‘70s & ‘80s were the golden generations for us.

EOTB: How have you been dealing with all the extra buzz and publicity?

CM: I’ve heard horror stories of the New York media, but it’s been amazing so far. Back in St. Louis I had to share the limelight, but now that I’m the lone survivor on Matt’s face, things couldn’t be better.

EOTB: You seem very loose. Is there anything that bothers you?

CM: Sunflower seeds are a pain in the ass. They fear for their life when Matt spits them on the field and they always try and cling on to me as if I’m going to save them. Walk-off wins aren’t as fun as you think. Do you know how sticky I get after a Gatorade bath? Face first slides are up there too.

EOTB: I’ve got to ask, what’s the morning shave routine like?

CM: Old school baby. Shaving cream, straight razor, and a hot towel.

EOTB: We don’t want to take up any more of your time so is there anything else you’d like to say to the Yankee fans out there?

CM:Just keep cheering us on. Matt and I aren’t going anywhere. We hope to be playing long into the Fall this season. There would be nothing sweeter than parading through the streets of New York City celebrating #28 and No-Shave November at the same time.