Americans Excited for Olympics to End and to Resume Being Divided

By Clay Beyersdorfer

AMERICA —In a surprising but inevitable turn of events, millions of Americans across the nation expressed their eagerness for the 2024 Summer Olympics to finally conclude so they can return to their regularly scheduled programming of deep, unyielding division.

“We’ve had enough of this ‘coming together’ nonsense,” said Mark Jones, a 34-year-old from Ohio, who had spent the last two weeks reluctantly cheering for swimmers and gymnasts alongside his neighbor who usually just steals his parking spot. “The only thing worse than watching synchronized diving is pretending I care about it with people I usually can’t stand.”

The temporary national unity brought on by the Olympics has caused widespread discomfort among citizens who are more accustomed to engaging in bitter arguments about politics, cultural issues, and whether or not pineapple belongs on pizza.

“I miss the good old days when I could just walk outside and know exactly who to hate based on the yard signs,” remarked Susan Davis, a 45-year-old suburban mom from Texas. “Now, I’ve spent the past few weeks smiling at folks I usually can’t wait to unfriend on Facebook. It’s unnatural.” 

Indeed, Americans have found themselves in an unfamiliar position during these games, as the patriotic fervor has forced them to put aside their differences to collectively root for athletes momentarily they’ll forget about as soon as the closing ceremony ends.

“I didn’t sign up for this forced camaraderie,” complained Joe Thompson, a 28-year-old from Florida. “I’ve awkwardly agreed with people about how awesome it is that we’re winning all these gold medals. But deep down, I can’t wait to go back to passionately disagreeing with everything they say.”

Experts predict that the post-Olympic period will see a rapid return to normalcy, with Americans enthusiastically diving back into arguments on social media, debates at family gatherings, and a renewed focus on the important things in life, like blaming the other side for everything wrong in the country.

“This has been a trying time for all of us,” said cultural commentator Karen Roberts. “But rest assured, once the last firework fades from the closing ceremony, we’ll be back to the usual routine of rage and resentment. It’s what makes this country great.”

As the final events approach, Americans are reportedly stocking up on inflammatory memes, partisan rhetoric, and all the necessary tools to reignite the flames of division. 

After all, they’ve got a lot of catching up to do.

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we sing God Bless America.

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