Al Michaels So Fucking Over This Shit

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By Clay Beyersdorfer

SEATTLE—Veteran sports broadcaster Al Michaels, a legend of the commentary booth, made it painfully clear on Thursday night that he is “so fucking over this shit,” visibly grimacing through Amazon’s latest Thursday Night Football broadcast. 

Sitting through another lackluster matchup, Michaels’ microphone captured barely-concealed sighs and an audible muttering about “cash-grab midseason garbage” during what’s supposed to be America’s Game.

For weeks now, fans tuning in have noticed Michaels’ blatant indifference toward Thursday games, which he openly calls “football purgatory.” 

His body language suggested he’d rather be anywhere else—possibly covering a riveting game of cornhole—than narrating yet another slow-motion punt-fest between two cellar-dwelling teams. During a particularly dull third-quarter lull, Michaels was caught on a hot mic muttering, “Can’t believe they got me in here, doing this. This isn’t football—it’s unpaid overtime with ads.”

Analysts and fans alike have picked up on Michaels’ increasingly disillusioned tone. 

“This is the same guy who gave us the Miracle on Ice call,” one fan tweeted. “Now he sounds like he’s calling a tax seminar.” 

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Michaels' exasperation reportedly peaked last week when he called out Amazon’s insistence on hyping “must-see matchups” involving teams that barely scrape together ten points. 

“Week after week of this?” Michaels allegedly asked a producer mid-broadcast, adding that Thursday games feel “like two hours of watching paint dry, but with more turnovers.”

Amazon executives have attempted to keep Michaels onboard, assuring him that next week’s lineup would be “much more exciting.” Michaels’ response was reported, “Like hell, it will.”

The NFL is aware of Michaels’ disdain but has yet to act, fearing he might resign altogether. 

“Look, if you want Al Michaels, you’re gonna get some opinions,” said an Amazon executive. “He’s an artist. You don’t put Van Gogh in a room and tell him not to paint… even if the painting is just his depression over another 7-3 slugfest between the Titans and Jaguars.”

Rumors suggest that Michaels has demanded a reprieve from the “weekly assault on his dignity.” Insiders say he may already be negotiating terms to call only “games that matter,” which could cut his Thursday schedule to roughly one game per season.

Meanwhile, fans tuning in next Thursday can expect the same iconic voice—this time narrating what will surely be another spirited battle between teams with sub-500 records. 

As for Michaels, he’s reportedly counting the days to retirement, where he’ll finally be able to say, “That’s enough of this shit.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story after we find a fuck to give.

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