Aging Millennial Still Blaming High School Soccer for Tight Hamstrings

By Kelley Greene

SAN DIEGO - A pick-up basketball game between friends was interrupted when aging millennial Mitchell Corcoran stopped to stretch, complaining about tight hamstrings as a result of his high school soccer days.

“Hold up a sec guys,” Corcoran said, out of breath, heading over to the side of the driveway to touch his toes a few times. “I gotta get a quick stretch in. Felt a little pull back there. Ever since my glory days playing midfield for the Bulldogs, I’ve gotta be careful when I’m doing any kind of activity. Can’t take a chance on pullin’ a hammy again.”

He continued as he laid down on his back with his legs in the air, “My hammies are always so tight, and I’m sure it’s all the running I did back in the day. We probably didn’t know how to stretch well either because we were high school kids and no one taught us anything. Plus, I’m pretty sure these tight hamstrings are pulling on my calves, which are pulling on my feet, which is why I have plantar fasciitis. It’s just one of the pitfalls of being an athlete.”

Corcoran’s teammate and best friend Allen Roberts says he has seen this kind of thing from him before.

“Mitch hasn’t played soccer in 20 years. I don’t know why he’s still talking about this. Besides -- I was on that team too, and I’m fine. Coach Turley had us stretch before practice every single day,” Corcoran said. “Also, for the record, I’m the one who was All-State midfield, Mitch was just my backup. Any muscle tightness he has at this point is probably because he sits at his desk all day and walks on his toes.”

Dr. Paul Aguilar, Corcoran’s general physician, agreed with Roberts.

“If Mitchell would just get into a regular stretching routine, I think he’d be fine. Tight hamstrings are absolutely something that can get better. I’ve suggested yoga or a stretch strap. But also, he’s 40, you know? This is…just a thing that happens when you’re 40. Unfortunately, you have to get up and move your body more than every third Saturday when you and your friends run around outside for 45 minutes and then have 4 beers.”

End of the Bench will have more on this story once we get off our heating pad.

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