6 Other Impressive Accomplishments Made by Major League Baseball Players While on Drugs

By James Knapp

In this age of social media and quick fact memes, most fairweather baseball fans are at least peripherally aware of the time Doc Ellis pitched a no-hitter while on LSD, or the numerous home-run records broken by players on steroids. But here are a few of the lesser-known accomplishments of MLB players who were whacked out of their gourds on goof juice at the time.

1. Cal Ripken, Jr., Barehands a Home Run on Phencyclidine.

Orioles' management tried to sweep this whole event under the rug after it came out that Ripken was on PCP when he hit his ‘no-bat home run.’ But PCP or no, there are still few physical feats more impressive than watching that white-haired giant paw an eighty-mile-per-hour fastball out of the park like mama grizzly swatting a pinecone out of her face.

2. MDMA Addled Chase Utley Learns To Play Entirety of The Beach Boys’ “Pet Sounds” on the Stadium Organ.

It’s still unclear how Utley even managed to gain access to the announcer’s box while on an amount of molly that would render most second-basemen catatonic. However, the speed and preciseness with which he was able to master this classic 1966 album is still the awe of Phillies fans to this day.

3. Derek Jeter Resods All of Yankee Stadium by Hand While on Adderall.

One night in 1995, Yankees teammates spotted then rookie Derek Jeter walking out onto the field post-game with a bag of grass seed and a single toothpick. 48 hours later, the entire outfield was lush with fresh Kentucky bluegrass.

So impressive was this completely unwarranted feat that, even after his 2014 retirement from baseball, Jeter has stayed on with the stadium's landscaping crew as a consultant.

4. Hank Aaron Discovers All of Life To Be a Deep and Endless Ocean of Understanding and Compassion During an Ayahuasca Trip.

While the lack of concrete details makes this accomplishment hard to verify, Aaron has gone on record several times with vivid descriptions of what life after death looks like, as well as releasing several books of poetry on the subject.

5. Coked-up Babe Ruth Sells Self Back To Red Sox In Exchange For Another Eightball.

This occurred over the course of a single weekend in 1926. The Babe successfully negotiated a trade for himself back to Boston in exchange for “just a little pick-me-up, man,” according to official records. The trade was nullified the following Monday after Yankees management finally sat down for a second and drank a glass of water.

6. Eddie Murray Takes Mescaline, Travels Around the World In a Hot Air Balloon In 80 Days.

One of the most celebrated hitters in MLB history, Murray broke free of his role as an expert batter quite literally when he took to the sky and proceeded to complete an eighty-day-long journey circumnavigating the globe in a homemade dirigible. Only later was it discovered he began the journey while under the psychedelic influence of mescaline.

When later asked why, if the average mescaline trip can last as few as six hours, did he proceed to complete the entire journey, Murray simply remarked “well, I was already up there.”