13 Athletic Poses to Make While Dreaming

By William Vaillancourt

The Cam Newton Superman

When you feel yourself falling

The Dikembe Mutombo finger wag

When a former high school classmate/Wild West saloon owner/your cousin’s Basset Hound tries to get you to invest in their essential oils business

The LeBron James chalk toss

When your palms get clammy while walking a tightrope between a 200-foot-tall statue of Ronald McDonald and a stack of VCRs filled with nutmeg

The Rafael Nadal trophy bite

Once you reach those VCRs, Christopher Columbus awards you a 1,492-carat Golden Globe for leading him to a new spice

The Willie Mays basket catch

Uh oh, you bit down too hard and now your teeth are falling out

The Tim Tebow prayer

For the last two months of senior year, you had forgotten about being enrolled in that statistics class, and now it’s finals day and you need an A to graduate

The Pete Weber crotch chop

When you’re in a hammock on the Moon with Jessica Alba

The Heisman

To defend yourself from familiar yet indescribable entities chasing you

The Jumpman

When there’s a large puddle of seahorse-infused vanilla pudding you have to leap across

The Usain Bolt double point

Once you’ve outrun those entities

The Johnny Manziel money sign

When you’ve orchestrated an 'Office Space'-type scheme to defraud your software company and none of the eight Hawaiian shirt-wearing chimpanzees who helped you write code for it want their share of the dividends because they’re chimpanzees and don’t participate in the fiat economy

The Hulk Hogan hand to ear 

To make sure you can actually hear someone when they have a very important message for you

The Tiger Woods fist pump

After you think you’ve woken up, you go look in the bathroom mirror and see that all your teeth are still there